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The importance of affection

Many times, when somebody feels that they don't get enough affection, they should pause to consider how much they actually give. It's also important to understand that what an individual feels is not necessarily that which their partner intends or, indeed, what their partner feels.

Affection is probably the single most important facet of the successful sexual relationship. Affection will assist in sustaining sexual interest long after that first erotic flush that comes of having a new and exciting partner; it also allows foreplay to be a natural and therefore expected part of a couple's life together. Affection, in fact, could be thought of as the precursor to foreplay, as long as it is present whether there is the likelihood of sexual activity or not.

Affection, in fact, will often survive after sexual activity has ceased (though it is fair to say that sexual activity does not always cease) for whatever reason and is an important component in allowing couples to share their life in comfort and underlying contentment. It does not even have to be physical very much of the time; there are couples in their later years who touch each other in passing yet seldom embrace passionately, refer to each other fondly yet sleep in separate beds, think of each as part of the other yet not say so because they know that the other thinks exactly the same. This sort of deep affection is a sustaining power that is created over a long period of time. Its roots are in the wild passions of the new relationship coupled with a genuine respect for, and interest in, the deeper feelings of their partner.

It is where this affection has been present throughout that we find those who are happy with their sex-life; conversely, if a couple can start to discover such affection - and it is possible - then their sex-life begins to improve.

Sometimes, affection, or what passes for it, takes a form that is not easily recognised. Insults are bandied, the couple often look as if they are about to start a 'domestic', there can be name calling and face-pulling… and yet, for this couple, it works. Sometimes, there are traces of humour underneath this apparent animosity, sometimes not; to this couple, though, their behaviour is totally normal and their relationship is devoid of any 'line beyond which you must not go'. The only giveaway that this is a sound relationship is that neither one is intimidated by the other; if it was poor, then one of them would be on the 'wrong end' of the banter - for that is all it is - all the time. This couple are likely to have a sex-life that works for them, though it may not be satisfactory by other standards.

It should be obvious that communication is needed and the guidelines given at Sexual Communication are just as relevant to affection. Also, look at Long Term Plans on this site for more help.

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